16 Is that the only thing they videoANSWER No What does the word "appropriate" mean?ANSWER: It is a meaningless word which has come to replace "right, moral, profitable, ethical" etc. There is a trend at the moment in Britain for perfectly useful words to be replaced by useless ones.12 Such as?ANSWER: Yes.13 How do you mean?ANSWER: Sorry The word "yes" has recently been replaced.14 By what other word?ANSWER: "Absolutely".15. Why do British couples get married?ANSWER: To have something to watch on video.16 Is that the only thing they video?ANSWER: No. They monitor all their children's activities on video, in case something goes badly wrong with them and they can make money by sending it in to a television programme.17. Are the British law-abiding?ANSWER: The British have an immense respect for the law as a whole, and an intense contempt for each individual law. What is an inquiry?ANSWER: It is a thorough investigation into a major mishap which interviews everyone concerned and reveals its findings so much later that by that time we are on to the next major mishap and nobody cares any more about the last one.11. They merely vote AGAINST someone, because they have decided that someone is to blame for the situation.9. What happens when people can't decide who is to blame for a particular mishap?ANSWER: They start an inquiry immediately and say, "It would not be appropriate for me to comment while the inquiry is still sitting".10. Who do people vote for in a British election?ANSWER: Nobody votes FOR anyone in a British election. What we have instead is party politics, which is quite different and is merely people arguing about who should be blamed, fired, replaced and re-promoted.8. That is why Stephen Fry, who would be recognised as an intellectual in any other country, is thought to be an entertainer in this country, while Jeremy Paxman is considered an intellectual.6. To what station does a British workman tune his radio?ANSWER: Nobody knows, as it is always just off-station.7.
What form does politics take in Great Britain?ANSWER: There is no such thing as politics in Britain, at least, not in the traditionally understood sense of people arguing about principle. Today's column is addressed to all those of you who may have to take a Britishness test in the near future, to see how British you are. Last week I brought you a few hints on how to answer those questions properly, and here today are a few more test questions, each followed by the correct answer. 1. What does a British person do on the last day of their summer holidays abroad?ANSWER: He or she starts sending postcards home.2. When does a British person complain about food in a restaurant? When it is a) undercooked b) overcooked c) not what they ordered d) full of germs e) still alive?ANSWER: None of these The correct answer is: when it is not very hot.3. What do you find on British local radio stations?ANSWER: Music pre-recorded locally in Nashville, New York or California.4. |
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